04 December 2010
0150H
My Beloved One,
The only thing that keeps me alive is the feel for the spark of life -- which is also present in you.
Riding my motorcycle makes me feel good because driving it makes me feel that I have a heart beating at a rate proportional to the velocity that I am driving it. When I encounter unsolicited near-accident experiences I could feel the rush of blood through my veins and my body reacts pleasurably to the adrenaline rush. Never felt so alive.
But I am not playing with my life. I live to fulfill my purpose and God gives me the opportunity to experience “fun” one moment and another – it is His gracious add-on – I didn’t ask for it. But I know how to play along and be simply thankful. Sabi nga nila, "Kung oras mo na, oras mo na." But I don't push my luck too far.
Man is in constant evolution – IF he wants to. I don’t want to stop evolving into something. I always want to evolve.
Mother thinks that the best way to communicate about repairs and tasks around the house is by nagging about it, with the first negative word coming out of your mouth when you wake up, with your discussions always taken from the vantage point of criticism and comparison of yourself with the lot of other people.
Her arguments are all logical, but not politically sound. Her methods are effective, but not civilized.
But no method is ever indispensable. We are all subject to change.
When I was in highschool I thought living away from home would be a great avenue to discover myself – away from my parents who are a sort of control freaks. But then when I was in Manila I missed them and fell inlove with you. So I thought I could live with the problems under the roof if I would just come back home because I’ll be with you for the compensation. But now, I have more than 20 square meters room all by myself in our house but it’s still getting crowded because of the negative force within the roof.
Being born-again into the Kingdom of God changes people. But it’s becoming not good enough. Maybe being catholic-again into the Kingdom of God is better because I see more transcendental people with righteous lifestyles – they don’t get things complicated with God, mind you – and it has nothing to do with their religion. They simply fear God and pay their respect on Him out of their pure faith and conviction WITHOUT STEPPING ON OTHER PEOPLE.
I think it’s not even about religion. It’s about self-worth. Mother finds it by busying herself both stressfully and unneedfully around house chores and my sisters’ daughters’ lives and businesses. Father finds it in the “Pastor” title which he forged with signature and a claim to a church he never commits himself into.
When I met you in college I thought I would give everything just to be with you. I was deeply inlove. And a conversation is enough just to be happy with you. But then, there were issues about how you deal with other guys. I felt disillusioned by the discovery that there’s nothing special between us. It’s just your way with everyone.
Perhaps the idea of you becoming my girl challenged me. You are beautiful and outgoing. I didn’t know you as a party animal and with lots of escapades now and then just yet. But I was intrigued how love could bridge the 13 years difference between us. So I pursued you.
Is love a choice – a decision you make yourself? Because after all those break-ups I chose to love you and keep falling for you. Reason must have gone totally out of my head. Faith must have seen something beyond your insulting sassy ways because I stayed… and met the noble you.
What is the “noble you”? That part of you sweet and closest to me. Faithful and caring, dedicated and loyal – doing everything to pacify my patience when I lose it.
But in your youth foolishness is strong in your veins and I feared your vulnerability to the opposite sex. You always put yourself in a situation where guys would think they could have a piece of you – a risk I observe to please you but lose my trust in them and in your safety.
So I secured our relationship in an unlawful way. I took your body endlessly. With your consent. Do you know what it means to have sex with you and be responsible for it? It meant I do not know yet what part of depraved creature is in you but I committed myself to love you, accept you, stick to you and live with your weaknesses anyway in exchange with the beauty, faith, hope and love that I somehow see in you.
Until now, I’m not sure about your virginity issue. Also because of our past other issues it rattles me whenever I lose sight of you or when you are out of reach and coverage area of my satellite. You call it lack of trust on my part. Could you blame me? Or should you have straightened out already when you were younger?
But when I started feeling secure you wouldn’t fool around because of what happens between us and stopped caring how you live your daily routine you called it trust. I don’t see the difference in my part. All I see is I’m committed to love you. Not loving you violates the very essence of who I am.
Hurting you never crossed my mind. But I get mad and angry on many things about you. I am not quite sure you know every reason that provokes me to anger – you naturally invoke them to yourself, oft times unintentionally.
Thus, in my anger I get to hurt you – also oft times and unintentionally. And if it’s kept this way time would come I would leave you – not because I want to but because I want to cease hurting you unintentionally in my anger.
You do not want that to happen. I will die if that happens. So change.
Loving you with all of my heart,
the Jester
